Missing My Dad in Japan

But why now?

Today I woke up in Japan feeling like a wilted plant. The kind where the stems and stalks appear rubbery and you wonder whether it needs more or less water. If it were just brown and crispy you would know, obviously, it needs more water. But when it’s rubbery and lifeless it seems almost waterlogged somehow? Or maybe it’s not even a problem with the water? Maybe it needs more or less sun? Or different soil?

I never know with my sad but hearty plant at home and while I usually know what I personally need, this morning I did not. I just knew I felt sad and lonely and wasn’t sure why. Sorry to get a little self-help and woo woo here but I knew that in some way I was neglecting some aspect of myself.

At home I have therapy every week and it helps me immensely. When I was young I thought maybe you just go for a period of time until you are healed but now I see it more like maintenance.

I haven’t talked to my therapist since I’ve been here. Is that why I feel overgrown and depleted?

Also I’ve had no time to myself. You know when you are hanging out with a group of people in your living room, say, and you are having a good time but you also aren’t sitting in your favorite spot and you kinda want to take your bra off and maybe you need to use the bathroom and you’re a little thirsty but also you want to visit with these people but you have your eye on the clock? That is how this whole trip has been only the people are my family.

And then there is just the way that traveling shakes you loose from your immediate surroundings and concerns—and the sort of anesthetizing/distracting quality of those—and reconnects you to the more tenacious existential issues. For me, right now, that means realizing how much I miss my father and also worrying about money. I am not someone constantly worried about money but this year has been rough to say the least so it’s where my mind frequently goes.

And then, like a wine pairing, while we were at the otherworldly and amazing TeamLAB Planets exhibit my anxiety decided the room with the mirrored floor and falling flowers would go best with fretting over our childcare situation when we get home.

But back to the grief: my dad died a year ago. July 12, 2023. Most of the time I am more okay than I thought I would be. I have all sorts of theories about why this is: I talked about it a lot in therapy before it happened. I worked through my relationship with him (to whatever degree possible). I had a good conversation with him two weeks before he died. There is something natural about losing a parent. I am a grown up. It was surprising but not completely unexpected.

These are the various theories I have.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not in touch with the grief.

Here in Japan, where my father never went; a place we never discussed, he is on my mind constantly. When I was 19 and my sister 15, we went on a family trip to Europe. It was the first time I’d been out of the country.

We went again the following summer and again a few years later. These were really formative experiences for me. My dad was a lot of things—impulsive, bombastic, reactionary—but he was also really fun and funny. He and I would have bits and jokes we kept going all summer. Jokes we referred to years later.

We have scores of pictures of ourselves checking our watches against big clocks. But then we decided to just check our watches against random monuments and sometimes trees. Also in France he kept making jokes (in French) and no one ever laughed. It became his goal to make them laugh. He called himself “Johnny Jokeseed.”

There were so many dumb inside jokes.

with my dad in France

Here I am in Japan and I can’t help but compare this experience to those and this one isn’t the same. There is not a ton of laughter. Is it me? Is it because we’re here for our dog to have heart surgery which is not exactly a barrel of laughs? Is it because I’m the grown up now?

And left to my own devices I’d probably sleep a lot and read my phone in bed. There is a whole country to explore and I don’t want to. Did I explore Italy and France and England and Spain because my mom pushed me?

I would hate to think I’m not up to the task of being a grown up in a foreign city.

Am I just a lazy sack of shit?

Back to this morning through, I ended up taking a shower and washing my hair even though I didn’t really need to because sometimes taking a shower and letting the water fall over my head puts me in a different headspace. “Like a reset,” said my sister. It worked and I felt so much more myself after.

Then Daniel and I went to Kamakura which is a cute beach town about an hour South. It was so so nice to experience a different pace and to finally see some traditional Japanese streets and alleys and gardens.

We are staying in Yokohama which is is big cosmopolitan city. I had heard from so many people that Japan is like another planet. Yokohama is like Century City. Kamakura was more peaceful and picturesque.

I snuck a pic of this dog

Today we’re going to visit a shrine. We are trying to squeeze these little trips in before Wendy comes home tomorrow because once she’s back we will need to tend to her.

Anyway, I know this is a bit navel-gazing and self-pitying. I just needed to get it out of my head. Thank you for reading!

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Did you know I solicit product picks from my guests every week? Last week Janet Varney recommended these adorable refillable hand sanitizers that are the size of credit cards and they are adorable and I want them.

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Also, are you using Rakuten? If not you are leaving money on the table when you shop online. Truly. Here’s a code.

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