Am I Doing Parenting Wrong?
"I think I was so afraid of my own skills as a mother, I farmed out most of the mothering"
My parents, whom I seem to be writing about a lot lately in the wake of having lost both of them, thought they were aces at parenting. They both had horrible childhoods—they were abused and messed with.
The fact they grew up to be involved parents and not sitting in a corner rocking back and forth was notable.
And they let us know this CONSTANTLY. “Do you know how lucky you are to have parents who love you?” they would say.
They basically did everything opposite of how their parents did it. Or that was the intention.
I have often thought parenting in opposition to the way you were parented is a bad way to correct the sins of your parents because you aren’t attuned to what your child needs, to what they are presenting in the moment, but instead you are simply following or rebelling against a rule book.
I’ve also often thought this is maybe the first-line response to abuse and trauma. Simply not repeating it is a big deal. And my parents tried their best not to. (There were exceptions.)
As someone who had kids later in life and who has been in therapy, I naturally think I am an improvement upon my parents. I respond to my children, instead of to the ghosts of my parents or to my own inner child.
But lately I’ve been thinking that maybe I don’t do this as much as I think I do.
The issue is not my younger son. My younger son is VERY in my face. I am very aware of how his mind works and what he wants and needs from moment to moment. There is no way not to be, he is demanding and demonstrative.
He is also very physically connected to me. He wants to snuggle and put his head in my lap and sit so close to me I can’t use my arm to type or hold my phone. “Mommy mommy, look,” he will say and then kiss my arm.
My older son though is much more of a cool customer. I know him in broad strokes. I know that he loves Halloween, Wicked and Addams Family. He loves Lego Minifigures, singing and art. He is a rule follower at school and gets frustrated when his classmates talk when they’re supposed to be quiet. Also he’s silly and loves magic.
But do I know the intricacies of his mind?
I guess I worry that in trying, instinctively, to stay out of his way, I have stayed too much out of his way.
My parents were VERY involved in my life but moreso I was involved in theirs. I knew everything they were thinking, everything they perceived as a threat, every slight and frustration. It’s like we were all in a tiny boat bouncing up and down with every wave.
I don’t want that for my kids. I want a stable home environment. I want them to barely know what their dad and I are worried about.
At the beginning, I think I was so afraid of my own skills as a mother I farmed out most of the mothering.
Add to that my inability to breast feed (longer story) and I felt like I missed a key bonding period.
I’ve often felt like I’m the boss/CEO of parenting in this house, meaning I am in charge of all big decisions, everything is passed by me. But for a long while the day-to-day was handled by other people.
Because I kind of trusted them more than I trusted myself.
And I have justified it by thinking it’s better to be more hands-off than overly hands-on.
But lately I worry I went too far.
Part of the disconnection, I’m realizing, is the bedtime routine. Our kids sleep in the same room together, our older son in the bottom bunk and our younger son in a mattress on the floor next to the bunk beds. (It’s like we don’t know how bunk beds work.)
Daniel lies next to our older son and I lie next to our younger and Daniel reads stories to them and we leave the room when they’re both asleep. Oftentimes I myself fall asleep in there.
This was not the plan, by the way. When you’re beginning your parenting journey the plan is you kiss them goodnight and then walk out. I think at one point we actually did that, but somehow here we are.
Sometimes I will sneak a glance at Daniel and Elliot in the bed and Elliot’s arm will be draped over Daniel’s chest. And I feel jealous. This is very unusual for Elliot. He is like a cat. He chooses when affection happens. He will occasionally hug us but only occasionally. Snuggling is a nonstarter except once he sat in my lap at the movies because he was cold and, I think, because no one would see.
Was there another way this could have gone? Is there a world where I’d feel like I’m as intimately connected to Elliot as I am to Owen?
And how much is this because Owen demands so much and so Elliot backs away?
I’m also wondering how much this has to do with ages. Kids become more complex as they get older.
Anyway, these are just a bunch of thoughts in my head. Would be interested to hear how well you feel you know your own kids.
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Kids are different, often VERY different. And your children will have different relationships with you and Daniel. It’s totally normal - just look at how different you and your sister are, and the different relationships you each had with your parents. I get the sense that your sister was closer to your mother, and you were closer to your father. Your kids just have different personalities. Your job as a parent is to give your children a safe place to develop into the best versions of themselves they can be - there is no “right” way to do this, and you will fuck up from time to time. Every parent does. So long as the love and support is there, you’ll do just fine.
I think part of parenting is constantly wondering if we’re over correcting for the mistakes of our parents. As the parent of two radically different children who are now adults, to me it feels like their true personalities came from within, versus anything my wife and I did as parents. And when/if my kids have children I’m sure they’ll agonize over trying to do better than we did.